Understanding
by RachaelInRansom
Summary: Alexandra is used to keeping things to herself, so when her boyfriend, Castiel, begins to wonder where certain scars came from, she doesn't know how to respond. Warning: Mentions of self-harm scars.


Castiel watched his girlfriend's chest rise and fall as she slept peacefully next to him. He was no longer an angel, so he did in fact require sleep, but he often times chose to stay awake next to her and watch her rhythmic breathing rather than fall into his own not-so-peaceful slumber. She curled slightly into his chest, and the movement alone brought a smile to his face. He never would've thought that falling from grace would've led to such an amazing thing.

They continued to lay on the mattress, no movement or noise to be heard besides their breathing. It was then that Castiel noticed the moonlight shine down upon his sleeping angel's body. He looked over all of the skin that was visible. Her entire upper body was open to him at the moment, but he had no desire to ravish it like he often times did. Much like he had only a few hours prior, in fact. He noticed the little things about her body. The way her collar bones only slightly protruded from her skin, and the different scars that would mark the girl for the rest of her life. While Castiel was still an angel, he had offered to clear her body of any and all blemishes that she did not want. She had denied his offer, and at the time he was very confused. Why not get rid of all the imperfections?

Her answer was honest and straightforward: she would not be herself without her scars. Every scar and every imperfection made her who she is today. Every scar had a story behind it, whether it came from good times or bad. Some came from when she was a child first learning to ride her bike. Others came from years of hunting down demons and other supernatural beings that liked to slam her around like she was their own personal punching bag. It was now that he understood this. Before, he was an emotionless creature who didn't understand such a silly human need to remember both the good and the bad times. But now, he realized exactly what she had explained to him: she wouldn't be her without these imperfections. To him, however, that didn't matter. He loved her no matter what, imperfections and all.

Castiel traced some scars that were visible on his girlfriend's shoulder. The moonlight perfectly contrasted the darker skin to her normally pale white complexion. He wondered where these had come from. He had seen the ones on her forearm, thighs, back, and stomach, but she often times kept her shoulders hidden. He had no idea why, but he didn't ask questions. The one time he had, she brushed it off and mumbled to herself, not actually answering his question. She didn't bring it up again, so he figured he shouldn't either. He became more curious when he noticed there were about three or four that were much darker than the others that surrounded it, meaning that those had been much deeper. In total, there were around nine scars, all straight and about the same length, the only difference being the colour.

It was then that his girlfriend stirred, her eyes opening slightly. She smiled up at him, but quickly wondered what he was doing when she noticed the concentrated look on his face. If they were standing, she knew his head would be tilted to one side.

"What's wrong, babe?" she questioned, not really knowing if he had heard her or not judging by the lack of acknowledgment he had shown. She then felt his fingers rubbing gently on her right shoulder. She knew what he was doing now; he had found the scars that she had tried so hard to keep a secret. She let out a sigh and hoped that he wouldn't question anything.

Minutes passed and Castiel kept the same look on his face. It was as if he was trying to process all the different scenarios that could have brought these scars to her body. No fight, no jagged pieces of glass, no nothing would've made such perfectly aligned scars.

"How did this happen, Alexandra?" He used her full name. She knew he was being serious. After six months of Castiel being human, he had finally accepted the fact that she liked being called Alex. On occasions like this, however, he understood the sincerity her full name brought upon a situation.

"It doesn't matter, Cas. What's done is done. You know about all the others. Why can't you just leave these be?" She was used to hiding her feelings, her emotions, and her body from everyone. Growing up, she hardly spoke about what was going through her mind. When Cas appeared in her life, however, everything changed. He was still an angel when they met, and trying to get him to understand certain things meant complete honesty. When he became human, that trait just happened to stick around.

Cas's face switched from that of concentration to pure affection.

"Please, Alexandra, you've been honest to me about all of the others. What's so different about these?" She knew he cared, and she knew he actually wanted to know. They had spent an entire night looking over each other's bodies and sharing stories about which imperfections came from where. Granted, her storytelling took much longer than his, seeing as he only had about six months worth of scars to talk about, whereas she had years worth.

The wind blew against their motel window, almost as if it was trying to break the silence for them. Trees rustled around outside and if they listened closely, they could hear an owl in the distance. Neither of them payed any attention to that, though, and they were instead focused on each other's eyes. Castiel's bright blues pierced right through her, and she felt as if he was staring straight into her soul and reading her every thought. She knew, however, that that wasn't true. If that was the case, he wouldn't need to ask her such personal questions.

After many minutes worth of silence, Alexandra barely whispered, "I did them to myself, Cas." Castiel understood, but only slightly. He understood that what she was telling her was a big thing, and that people didn't just give themselves scars to look cool. She must have been feeling an immeasurable amount of pain for her to want to slice her skin open. What he didn't understand was why she would do such a thing.

"Why, Alex? Why did you do that?" Cas questioned, concern and wonder laced in his voice. Alex, after revealing such a deep secret to the only man she had ever loved, wasn't in the mood for questions. She quickly rolled over and out of his loose grasp, her back now facing him. Castiel was confused, but more importantly, concerned.

"It doesn't matter. Just let me go to sleep." Tears now began to roll freely down her cheeks. She didn't know why she was reacting the way she was, especially since she never cried in front of Castiel. Not once since she had known him had she shed a single tear in his presence. She was unemotional, after all, even if she had admitted to loving him.

Castiel sensed the pain in her voice, and rather than leaving the subject alone like he had last time, he understood that she needed to be comforted. He reached out and grabbed her shoulder, the one without the scars. He turned her back around to face him, and that's when, thanks to the moonlight, he noticed the tears coming down her face. His heart broke at the sight, something that he had not been used to feeling. Thanks to Alex, however, he was more skilled in the art of comforting someone than he had been a mere six months ago. He had a lot to thank Alex for if he was being completely honest.

He wrapped his arms tightly around her, feeling her bury her face against his bare chest. He no longer needed to know why she had done it. He understood the amount of pain she must have been in, and whatever it is that had pushed her to the limit in order for her to that in the first place, he didn't want to know. If he ever found out, he'd only want to hunt it the way that they did demons, except he'd spend much more time in making sure that it suffered the way his girlfriend had.

"It's okay, Alexandra. I'm here for you. I love you." Cas placed a gentle kiss to her temple and pulled her in even closer to his chest. It took a while, but she eventually calmed down. He soon felt her sobs turn into steady breathing, to which he was thankful. It was then that he decided to make it his personal goal for the rest of his life to make sure she understood just how important she was and how little she deserved that pain, because Cas knew that if he was going to survive as a human, then he couldn't do it without her.


End file.
